And silica to repel moisture!

K-"I just found Soul Food Seasoning at a store."
Me-"What's in it?"
K-"Little bit of funk, little bit of jive, and a whole lotta soul!"

The reason for the season.

Me-"What do you want for Christmas?"
K-"World peace. Or a snakeskin jacket."

PETA hates him.

Me-"There's a game on FaceBook where you can raise an elephant, then butcher it for ivory and sell it."
K-"Wait. There's a game where I can kill an endangered species for money? That's my game! 'Here, club this baby seal!'"

Why I didn't ask for homework help as a child...

Me-"My mom thinks the Pilgrims landed at Jamestown."
K-"That's right. Then the Chinese bombed it. On Pearl Harbor Day."

K's 5 year plan

K-"I need to teach E pool. She could be the future of the WPBA! Then ten years later, A takes the title from her! Think of the marketing! We do this right, we could live off those two like ticks on a dog!"

He can dream.

Me-"Seasame Street turned 40 today. That means they're only 6 months younger than you."
K-"That's it! This weekend I'm buying a sports car, and finding a twenty year old who still has the receipt for her tits."

No, but they're still over priced.

Me-"OMG! Kate Spade makes DISHES!"
K-"Are they too small and completely impractical?"

Family friendly entertainment.

K-"I just got offered free tickets to the circus. Unless the circus serves bourbon and has strippers, I'll pass."

Trade offs.

Me-"Damn K, I forgot that funny thing you said. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to start recording all our conversations to properly glean the humor from them for the blog."
K-"That's ok. I'm going to start recording all our sex."

The Dr. Phil of Tatooine

*Midst discussion about how hating people who are less than you is a waste of energy*
K-"But see, I'm not like you. I hate everyone. I'm a different kinda Jedi. I think you need to embrace both the light AND the dark."

Be thankful I *don't*, Mister.

Me-"I wish I had superpowers."
K-"Me too. Then you could rob a bank and give me the money."

K's soul is so dark, it smudges mine.

Me-"Remember what Ghandi said-'Be the change you want to see in the world."
K-"Ghandi was a pussy."

And how does that make you feel?

K: Everything I know about psychology I learned from Gen Psych 101...and Silence of the Lambs.

Coming to a late night infomercial near you.

K: I wanna make an Ebonics Rosetta Stone!

Helpful advice.

JS*-"Did I tell you my secret to dating?"
K-"Blow her up first?"

Why I should just keep my mouth shut. Literally.

*While watching Ghost Adventures*
K-"I wish someone would feel *my* presence."
Me-"It's not so much a present, as a gag gift."
K-"Oh, you'll be gagging later."

Entering hard hat area.

K-"I should come with the same warning label as this bottle of Sunkist."
Me-"Oh?"
K-"Warning-contents under pressure. Cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury."

Fuck Cesar Milan.

K-"I'm like a jungle cat! I can't be tamed."
Me-"You're pretty tame when your cock is in my mouth."
*pause*
K-"Meow."