The reason for the season.

Me-"What do you want for Christmas?"
K-"World peace. Or a snakeskin jacket."

PETA hates him.

Me-"There's a game on FaceBook where you can raise an elephant, then butcher it for ivory and sell it."
K-"Wait. There's a game where I can kill an endangered species for money? That's my game! 'Here, club this baby seal!'"

Why I didn't ask for homework help as a child...

Me-"My mom thinks the Pilgrims landed at Jamestown."
K-"That's right. Then the Chinese bombed it. On Pearl Harbor Day."

K's 5 year plan

K-"I need to teach E pool. She could be the future of the WPBA! Then ten years later, A takes the title from her! Think of the marketing! We do this right, we could live off those two like ticks on a dog!"

It takes a village.

E-"An eight year old just slapped my butt. Kids are seriously corrupted."

She's got boys figured out.

Me-"C* posts on Facebook too much."
E-"I know! Doesn't he have better things to do like pop zits, or jack off in the bathroom, or whatever else it is teenage boys do?"

I'm thinking "Carob"

E-"So I'm eating chocolate chip cookies, and I glance down at the package that reads "REAL chocolate chip cookies." As opposed to???"