The end of the Dead Baby Joke run

Me-"What's red, shiny, and screaming? A dead baby with forks in its eyes."
E-"... Child Protection Services are on their way. Have *A* ready."

Self mutilation takes a new form

E-"Owwwww! I just punched myself in the face. Man, I feel sorry for anyone I get in a fight with. I punch hard!"

The masochistic contortionist

E-"So I got a bruised, swollen knot on my face last night."

Me-"Oh my! How'd that happen?"

E-"I punched myself in the head...with my knee."

Now an official holiday here @ DNBT

Text sent yesterday to Mom from E-"Happy Pearl Harbor Day! We should eat at the Chinese place to celebrate!"

It takes a village.

E-"An eight year old just slapped my butt. Kids are seriously corrupted."

She's got boys figured out.

Me-"C* posts on Facebook too much."
E-"I know! Doesn't he have better things to do like pop zits, or jack off in the bathroom, or whatever else it is teenage boys do?"

I'm thinking "Carob"

E-"So I'm eating chocolate chip cookies, and I glance down at the package that reads "REAL chocolate chip cookies." As opposed to???"

Such a romantic.

*While discussing K's pet name for me*
E-"I don't know why you let him call you that. I'd kill him. With an eyelash curler. Then be like 'Who's your daddy NOW, pookie?"

There's an ointment for that.

E-"Why are you laying down outside?"
Me-"I'm tanning. Wanna join?"
E-"No! I don't want to get sun cancer!"

You should hear her "Where babies come from" talk.

A-"Do you wear a bra to keep your breasts warm?
Me-"No, they hold them up."
A-"Oh. Some need help and some don't?"
E-"Right. There are independent boobs and needy boobs. "

She's got a point...

*After snide comment to me*
Me-"There's no need to be a hooker."
E-"Yeah well, sometimes you gotta eat."

Children-Killers of Self Esteem

E-"I love you, Snickelfritz."
A-"I love *you*, Hippopotamus."
E-"Is that a fat joke?"
A-"No! It's a REALLY fat joke!"

Too much Dexter=BAD

E-"I wonder what it would be like to kill someone with an eyelash curler."
Me-"Slow."
E- "And painful. Wanna be my guinea pig?"
Me-"That's what homeless people are for."
E-"But they smell like pee!"
Me-"Use a clothespin on your nose!"
E-"I wonder what it would be like to kill someone with a clothespin."