Gender roles are so passe.

MK*-"So whatcha gonna name your daughter?"
PK*-"I dunno. I wanted to name her Starscream, but the wife said no."
MK*-"Of course not, P...that's a boy's name!"

The end of the Dead Baby Joke run

Me-"What's red, shiny, and screaming? A dead baby with forks in its eyes."
E-"... Child Protection Services are on their way. Have *A* ready."

Save on postage, too!

Cap-"I don't understand why Angelina Jolie feels the need to adopt all these kids overseas when there are plenty of kids over here that need help."
A*-"That's right! Buy American!"

Might wanna watch that wording.

Waiter-"And how would you like your burger cooked?"
Cap-"Ummm, all brown?"

So close...no...not really.

A-"What's the name of that duck guy in Batman who walks around with an umbrella?"
Me-"The Penguin. 'Cause he's a penguin. Not a duck."
A-"Oh. Yeah, that makes sense."

And silica to repel moisture!

K-"I just found Soul Food Seasoning at a store."
Me-"What's in it?"
K-"Little bit of funk, little bit of jive, and a whole lotta soul!"

Proud to claim half this DNA

A-"I know smart...and those kids are NOT smart."

Self mutilation takes a new form

E-"Owwwww! I just punched myself in the face. Man, I feel sorry for anyone I get in a fight with. I punch hard!"

Well that's ok then...

Me-"That was rather sexist!"
KG*-"What was sexist?"
Me-"When you handled me your jacket, button, and sewing kit and said 'Here, fix this.'"
KG*-"It wasn't sexist. I just thought you're a woman and would be better at sewing."

Jurassic travel tips

Overheard-"So, just so you know, when being chased by a raptor, they do apparently obey traffic laws."

Good advice.

"FYI. No matter how much your body is craving protien, half a log of summer sausage is way too much."

Well yes....but no.

*While playing Family Feud. Question is "Something that might be dangerous if done without lessons."
Me-"Oh man...what you do call jumping out of a plane?"
A-"Dead?"

Very punny.

Me-"T*, you lost the milk!"
T*-"I didn't remember you buying any milk!"
Me-"YOU sacked it, and put it in the car!"
ExHub-"Maybe it was Milk of Amnesia?"

And occasionally she comes through.

Me-"I've got a new drinking game for ya. Take a shot everytime ExHub clogs the toilet. You'll be drunk by 8."
Mom-"AM, PM, or BM?"

Toupe...er...touche.

*While giving clues about his Father's Day present*
Me-"It's something you used to have, but don't have anymore."
ExHub-"HAIR?!?"

But there's games too!

Mom-"I do not understand this public bickering called FaceBook."

Nice save, kid.

A-"BEE...BEEEEEE...BEEE....ug. Cute little bug."

Can't tell she's Italian, can you?

A-"Is this purple candy grape flavored, or wine?"

Dry Clean Only.

Me-"Bring your crafting hat on Sunday!"
E-"It's not clean."

Do you think an apocolypse might affect their box office results?

*After seeing a preview for 2012*
Mom-"Wow, that movie doesn't come out until 2012?"
J*-"That's the name of the movie, Mom."

Don't forget Bill Gates!

KC*-In the words of Mattie Stepanek, "The richest person in the world is one who is friends with all the Earth."
CH-Maybe, but the inventors of Facebook are hot on his tail.

Not the clock in London, either.

Me-"You know what Uncle Ben said-'With great power comes great responsibility.'"

JK*-"The instant rice guy?"

The masochistic contortionist

E-"So I got a bruised, swollen knot on my face last night."

Me-"Oh my! How'd that happen?"

E-"I punched myself in the head...with my knee."

And is he a bad boy or good?

A-"Does Santa believe in himself?"

Well, at least we know he's not gay.

Mike-"Hey, it's one of those little stepping mat things."

Me-"You mean rugs?"

Mike-"Uhh, yeah. Those."

Beats "Mustard"

Me-"I'm going to start calling you 'Mikie Wikie.'
Mike*-"I'm going to start calling you "Shut the Hell Up."

Is there a rulebook?

Me-"A, don't eat w/ your hands!"
A-"I'm a little kid, Mom. That's how we do things."

It's a logical conclusion.

A-"Do brown people have peach moles?"

And protest signs!

RM-"I guess Republicans don't understand how the wave works."

Me-"They'd have to drop their guns and Bibles. Not happening."

Big L, little o, little s, little e, little r.

TM-"My handwriting looks like a kindergartener's. I feel like I should have the three lines and everything."

Nope, just the climate crisis.

*winds blows and windows rattle*
A-"AHHH! The zombie apocalypse is here!!!"

K missed the memo.

A-"Some boys wear earrings."
MT-"That's right, they do."
A-"Why don't you?"
MT-"Because I'm not a douchebag."

So literal.

A-"Whatcha doing?"
Me-"Writing a letter to Aunt M*."
A-"What? There's no letter two!"

I didn't see arrows or birds.

CB-"What are those arrows doing?"
MP-"Those are birds, hun."