The masochistic contortionist

E-"So I got a bruised, swollen knot on my face last night."

Me-"Oh my! How'd that happen?"

E-"I punched myself in the head...with my knee."

And is he a bad boy or good?

A-"Does Santa believe in himself?"

Well, at least we know he's not gay.

Mike-"Hey, it's one of those little stepping mat things."

Me-"You mean rugs?"

Mike-"Uhh, yeah. Those."

Beats "Mustard"

Me-"I'm going to start calling you 'Mikie Wikie.'
Mike*-"I'm going to start calling you "Shut the Hell Up."