Fishers of Mom.

A-"First we're going to watch the movie, then play the game!"
Me-"Who put you in charge?"
A-"Jesus."

Same diff.

Mom-"He's rather perspective, isn't he?"
Me-"You mean perceptive?"

But feel free to tell Grandma that.

A-"Old people have cracks all over, right?"
Me-"They're called wrinkles, kid."

Anyone else scared how this lesson was learned?

A, randomly-"Throwing rocks at kitties, not good."

Look out Ricky Martin!

CB*-"I'm feeling homocidal!"
Me-"Does that mean you want to kill a gay guy?"

Now an official holiday here @ DNBT

Text sent yesterday to Mom from E-"Happy Pearl Harbor Day! We should eat at the Chinese place to celebrate!"

Hobby/obsession

K-"Dude! <insert random pool celebrity here> is on FaceBook?!? Oh wait. He's already my friend."

The reason for the season.

Me-"What do you want for Christmas?"
K-"World peace. Or a snakeskin jacket."

PETA hates him.

Me-"There's a game on FaceBook where you can raise an elephant, then butcher it for ivory and sell it."
K-"Wait. There's a game where I can kill an endangered species for money? That's my game! 'Here, club this baby seal!'"

Why I didn't ask for homework help as a child...

Me-"My mom thinks the Pilgrims landed at Jamestown."
K-"That's right. Then the Chinese bombed it. On Pearl Harbor Day."

K's 5 year plan

K-"I need to teach E pool. She could be the future of the WPBA! Then ten years later, A takes the title from her! Think of the marketing! We do this right, we could live off those two like ticks on a dog!"

It takes a village.

E-"An eight year old just slapped my butt. Kids are seriously corrupted."

She's got boys figured out.

Me-"C* posts on Facebook too much."
E-"I know! Doesn't he have better things to do like pop zits, or jack off in the bathroom, or whatever else it is teenage boys do?"

I'm thinking "Carob"

E-"So I'm eating chocolate chip cookies, and I glance down at the package that reads "REAL chocolate chip cookies." As opposed to???"

Me-"Buses suck." K-"Remember that the next time some fucking Greenie starts preaching about mass transit."

A-"When I grow up, I want to be a backseat driver."

He can dream.

Me-"Seasame Street turned 40 today. That means they're only 6 months younger than you."
K-"That's it! This weekend I'm buying a sports car, and finding a twenty year old who still has the receipt for her tits."

No, but they're still over priced.

Me-"OMG! Kate Spade makes DISHES!"
K-"Are they too small and completely impractical?"

Family friendly entertainment.

K-"I just got offered free tickets to the circus. Unless the circus serves bourbon and has strippers, I'll pass."

Trade offs.

Me-"Damn K, I forgot that funny thing you said. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to start recording all our conversations to properly glean the humor from them for the blog."
K-"That's ok. I'm going to start recording all our sex."

The Dr. Phil of Tatooine

*Midst discussion about how hating people who are less than you is a waste of energy*
K-"But see, I'm not like you. I hate everyone. I'm a different kinda Jedi. I think you need to embrace both the light AND the dark."

Such a romantic.

*While discussing K's pet name for me*
E-"I don't know why you let him call you that. I'd kill him. With an eyelash curler. Then be like 'Who's your daddy NOW, pookie?"

Be thankful I *don't*, Mister.

Me-"I wish I had superpowers."
K-"Me too. Then you could rob a bank and give me the money."

How to offend 20 people at once.

*Looking at Easter display of lillies*
NW*-"Wow, who died? Oh yeah...Jesus."

Like rain on your wedding day.

*At B&N, reading book titles*
NW*-"Raising a child of dyslexia. Wait...WITH dyslexia."

There's an ointment for that.

E-"Why are you laying down outside?"
Me-"I'm tanning. Wanna join?"
E-"No! I don't want to get sun cancer!"

Not how *I* remember that going.

TG*-"You know what they say....when life gives you lemons.....stick them in your bra and flaunt it!"

Half of my genetic makeup.

Me-"That's why the Chinese have never won a war. They can't keep secrets!"
Mom-"They kept Pearl Harbor a secret."
*15 seconds of stunned silence*
Me-"That was Japan, dear. "

K's soul is so dark, it smudges mine.

Me-"Remember what Ghandi said-'Be the change you want to see in the world."
K-"Ghandi was a pussy."

Well in THAT case.

Me-"No man should wear a pink shirt."
AM*-"Unless it's lacy, belongs to someone else, and is wrapped around his junk."

Moo.

CJ*-"I've got mad cow skills, yo."

If ever was a time for a boob job.

A-"When I get bigger, I hope God gives me long breasts like you."
Me-"BIG. Call them BIG."

You should hear her "Where babies come from" talk.

A-"Do you wear a bra to keep your breasts warm?
Me-"No, they hold them up."
A-"Oh. Some need help and some don't?"
E-"Right. There are independent boobs and needy boobs. "

And how does that make you feel?

K: Everything I know about psychology I learned from Gen Psych 101...and Silence of the Lambs.

Coming to a late night infomercial near you.

K: I wanna make an Ebonics Rosetta Stone!

Helpful advice.

JS*-"Did I tell you my secret to dating?"
K-"Blow her up first?"

Why so many men are single.

CJ*-"How do you ask a girl if your cock has been in her mouth? "
JS*-"Just have her assume the position and see if that triggers your memory."

She's got a point...

*After snide comment to me*
Me-"There's no need to be a hooker."
E-"Yeah well, sometimes you gotta eat."

Children-Killers of Self Esteem

E-"I love you, Snickelfritz."
A-"I love *you*, Hippopotamus."
E-"Is that a fat joke?"
A-"No! It's a REALLY fat joke!"

Walker, Texas Ranger and the Three Bears

Me-"What kind of bedtime story do you want?"
A-"How about me and Chuck Norris?"

Why I should just keep my mouth shut. Literally.

*While watching Ghost Adventures*
K-"I wish someone would feel *my* presence."
Me-"It's not so much a present, as a gag gift."
K-"Oh, you'll be gagging later."

Entering hard hat area.

K-"I should come with the same warning label as this bottle of Sunkist."
Me-"Oh?"
K-"Warning-contents under pressure. Cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury."

Too much Dexter=BAD

E-"I wonder what it would be like to kill someone with an eyelash curler."
Me-"Slow."
E- "And painful. Wanna be my guinea pig?"
Me-"That's what homeless people are for."
E-"But they smell like pee!"
Me-"Use a clothespin on your nose!"
E-"I wonder what it would be like to kill someone with a clothespin."

Fuck Cesar Milan.

K-"I'm like a jungle cat! I can't be tamed."
Me-"You're pretty tame when your cock is in my mouth."
*pause*
K-"Meow."